Yes, your humble Goliard is ever so slightly hooked on American Idol. And often has plenty to say about Tuesday night performances. Here is an account of the latest week’s show, which had an “inspirational” theme in honor of “Idol Gives Back”.

Tuesday was the kind of day at work that sent me home tired and cranky, and perhaps that explains my overall negative reaction to this particular night. (At least—thank God—they clamped down on the arm-wavers and overhead-clappers in the “mosh pit” tonight. If I’m going to sit through an hour of mediocre performances, the least they can do is not put anything or anyone constantly in my way while I’m trying to watch…well, except for crazy dancing Paula, about whom little can be done.) On the other hand, a cursory glance at other online fan reactions shows few who were thrilled by much on this night.

I shall spare everyone the rant on the amazingly elastic and shallow and unsatisfying concept of “inspirational” as it is found in Idol-land (I fear I’d be banging on eerily like Ignatius J. Reilly once I got started), and get right to the damage:

Michael: “Dream On” (Aerosmith)

Simon was dead right about this one. An acceptable performance, but one that was a flat-out attempt at impersonation; it deserves and will win few plaudits. Also the whole thing sounded slightly off-target somehow; but unlike Randy, I will admit that I don’t have the knowledge or insight to put my finger on what was wrong and name it, so I’ll just leave it at that.

(Randy’s declarations of “pitchy” have long since stopped conveying any useful information, if they ever did—it simply means “it wasn’t perfect, but I don’t quite know and/or can’t articulate why.” Man am I tired of Randy and Paula this season.)

Syesha: “I Believe” (Fantasia)

I saw “Greatest Love of All” coming here, from a mile off—and was even more sure that was the choice when Syesha started talking about how important it is to believe in oneself (nice to know she’s ever vigilant against low self-esteem, seeing as that’s clearly a constant danger for her). But then it turned out it wasn’t that atrocious song, and I was so relieved that I hardly minded she’d chosen a Fantasia song…well, not until the end anyhow, when a few ungodly, piercing, and ear-punishing notes came out. (Are those in the Fantasia version of the song? Might be…Fantasia never has betrayed much awareness of the difference between singing and stunt vocals.)

Every week, I feel guilty for hating her technically sound performances as much as I do, and resenting her presence on the stage as much as I do. What did she ever do to me, after all? But the guilt faded nicely in the wake of this week’s performance, when her expressions in response to the judges’ criticism mixed solipsistic incomprehension with arrogance, and even menace, in that signature Syesha way. Maybe there are singers out there whose performances make it worth putting up with this combination of diva attitude and sub-Star Search aesthetic; I dunno, but even if there are, she’s surely not one of them.

Jason: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (Israel Kamakawiwo`ole)

Okay, just for starters: the song is 70 years old, and the man showed up on stage with a ukulele. And Simon liked it? Simon liked it??? Is there something wrong with my set? I mean, what more could it possibly take under ordinary conditions to get the man to bring the snark?

Plenty of snark, and confused looks, on my couch, but that seems about the only place. Sigh. I just don’t get the love for Jason; never have. I don’t know that I’ve ever strongly disliked anything he’s done (though this week cut it pretty close), but I don’t look forward to him and have never felt the desire to re-listen to anything he’s ever done either.

As for this specific performance, the ukulele playing quickly grew monotonous (how much was Jason’s fault and how much the instrument’s, I’m not enough of a ukulele expert to tell), and the vocals were just too breathy and flyweight and Dawson’s Creek-soundtrack precious for my taste. Also, Jason’s vocals were not quite dissimilar enough to stop me from having Tiny Tim flashbacks.

Kristy Lee: “Anyway” (Martina McBride)

This was the best performance of the night.

No, really.

I’m sorry, I know it feels odd, but it’s true. Most everybody else was weird or nervous or just plain off tonight. Kristy Lee, on the other hand, picked a song that might as well have been written especially for her, and delivered it well. No, not perfectly…but quite well. The flaws (probably inescapable, for her) were minor, her connection to the song and the audience was better than most managed this evening, and the overall performance simply had a star quality about it. (Simon was again right on the money here.) You can hear country performers much worse than Kristy Lee at any time of day on any top-country-hits radio station you care to tune to; and on this night, you could hear much worse Idol performances both before and after her song. If there’s any sense in this world, Kristy’s Seat is going on hiatus this week.

David C.: “Innocent” (Our Lady Peace)

Weird. Weird, weird, weird. Where did this song come from? (Maybe some of you knew; my knowledge of Canuck alt-rock doesn’t really go beyond Barenaked Ladies and The Tragically Hip.) Where did that white jacket come from? (Is Michael Jackson suddenly missing a jacket on the cover of some early-90s single?) Could that stadium-rock gesturing be any more awkward of a surprise; or the message written on the hand, delivered with a preposterous socially-aware-tough-guy pose, any more cloyingly jejune?

Musically, it all sounded out of synch, and tuneless in that post-modern kind of way; but maybe that’s the fault of the song more than David. In any event, it didn’t work, none of it…and he seemed to know this quite well once he was done, even if the judges were mostly clueless about how badly he’d misfired. And that’s about all I have to say about that, except that I’m looking forward to him getting back to rocking the house in his customary fashion next week. (Please?)

Carly: “The Show Must Go On” (Queen)

I am so done with Queen.

Not just on this show. Done with them period.

I will not deny that there was greatness to be found in the band’s heyday. But there was plenty of dross amidst the gold too; and even some of their greatest hits have clearly visible flaws (their embarrassingly bombastic tendency comes to mind), even while being quite tasty and memorable. And even apart from any flaws, the most famous songs are just so relentlessly, remorselessly overplayed, that if I never hear another Queen song for another five years I’ll be perfectly content. It’s to the point where if I’m present at a sporting event, and manage to make it all the way through without hearing either “We Are the Champions” or “We Will Rock You”, I feel like going home and opening a bottle of champagne, even if my team got eviscerated.

Ahem. Anyhow. On to Carly’s performance. It started out fantastic…and it didn’t hurt that for once, she wasn’t a walking Fashion Don’t (though I still thought the top qualified as a Fashion Mmm…Maybe…). But when she got to the first big shouty screamy part it just all fell apart. The notes failed; she lost her way; the song struggled its way to the end, just a little off-kilter except for the repeatedly-failed loud bits.

Carly’s got a tremendous voice, we all know that; but she’s hurting herself by forcing it. Forcing it with the big and loud power-song choices week after week. Forcing it with the vocals that try to crank almost every note up to 11. Forcing it by being so grimly determined, so hanging-on-for-dear-life up there, so tense and full of the dread of failure. Forcing it by banishing subtlety and creativity and breadth of musicality…and joy.

Reach out, Carly. Reach out and find the lighthearted, the original, the playful, the whimsy that must be in your soul somewhere. Stop forcing it and just reach out to joy: the joy of music, of performance, of youth.

Oh, and then tell Queequeg the Illustrated Man your husband to please stay home. Sorry—he just still freaks me out. [drawl] (Bless his heart.) [/drawl]

David A.: “Angels” (Robbie Williams)

I’m in the same place with David as I am with Jason: not a fan, not a hater. Just meh. Maybe someday he’ll mature into something truly special. But he’s not there yet.

And this particular song choice made it hard with me because I’m actually a Robbie Williams fan—or at least was through 2001’s “Swing When You’re Winning”. (Yes, he’s still making records, which I have no opinion on yet—I’m still catching up with pop music from the mid-90s up to about 2002. Just discovered last fall that I really like this new band called Weezer, for instance.)

David’s performance wasn’t as rich or as emotive as the original, and I especially objected to the “runs” that Randy is usually so fond of. Gilding the lily like that spoils a song that has more of a simple beauty to it. He fell into a common Idol trap: it was too similar to, yet at the same time too different from, the original record for me to ever be on board. But if this mega-huge Britpop single had previously escaped your attention and you came to it fresh, your mileage may well vary.

Brooke: “You’ve Got A Friend” (Carole King)

By all rights this should have been extraordinarily lovely, but poor Brooke was emotional and scared out of her wits. She was too tight and tense, and the vocals also turned out a bit wobbly. (Tight and wobbly? At the same time? Yes. Somehow.) Got the job done, I trust, but she can do much better.

And good grief, that dress! It looked passable enough when she was standing by herself, but in the vicinity of anyone else on stage the color and pattern became really striking—not striking-beautiful but striking in an odd-seeming, sore-thumb way.

I hope we’ll continue to see more of Brooke, but I’m always nervous when she starts to sing, always feel like she’s right on the edge of doing badly and being sent home. She’s got to perform more solidly, and inspire more confidence, to stay off the “bottom three” stools.